I'm Pretty Sure That Last Night Was The Worst Night of My Life So Far

Have you ever considered doing the master cleanse, but didn't have the time to go through with drinking nothing but spicy lemonade for a week?

Try food poisoning! Enjoy the same amount of expulsion overnight!

Yes, some of our readers were there last night at the ol' Bruckert-Lanyi homestead when I expressed intestinal discomfort and wrapped up the evening of Settlers of Catan by throwing up into a bucket in front of some of my closest friends.

I had assumed, at the time, that I was going to feel gross for a while longer but that the danger had basically passed. Boy was I wrong.

Over the course of the night I had uncontrollable completely liquid diarrhea (imagine the sound of a woman peeing) and heavy, forceful vomiting that eventually turned in to dry heaving with little gasps of stomach acid when I ran out of things to throw up.

I had probably 15 minutes of this once an hour, ever hour, from 10pm to my last session at 8am this morning.

By the end of it I had even determined a strategy for rehydrating: when my body warned me that it was time, I'd run to the bathroom, sit down on the throne and hold the bucket in my lap. Do move the vomit stage along, I'd drink a glass or two of water until I started throwing up and then eventually finished up with a good two or three dry heaves. After that, and hopping in the shower to rinse of the tortured, tormented ass I had long since given up on wiping.

But! Here was the trick: After that, I'd be good for another hour. So after the vomiting was over, I'd drink *another* glass or two of water so that I would absorb whatever I could in the hour between that session and the next.

I felt so smart! Eventually I even felt pretty okay, even in the bathroom, because I was able to get rehydrated.

The good news: I think I'm losing weight!