Harry Potter and the Crazy Bamboo Warriors

I know what you're thinking: "I don't want to read a book about a twee British boy with a rad scar, but I would read that book if it were loaded with kung-fu fights and lessons about civic morality in a sprawling, hyperspastically-developing empire."

Well look no further.

China, purveyor of all things bootlegged, has been pumping out Harry Potter books for years - particularly "final" episodes, because waiting is for losers - and many of the books tack on China-tastic elements like kicking and speaking out of synch with your lips.

Here are just some of the sweet, sweet books about little boys with brooms between their legs that you've not only missed but will continue to miss, since (besides their titles) they've yet to be translated into English:

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Relative Prince”
“Harry Potter and the Hiking Dragon”
“Harry Potter and the Chinese Empire”
“Harry Potter and the Young Heroes”
“Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-to-Dragon”
“Harry Potter and the Big Funnel” (this is obviously the winner)
“Harry Potter and the Chinese Porcelain Doll”

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL. One man, eager to please his young, Potter-crazed son, wrote a 250,000-word (wtf) final episode with a no-nonsense title. From the New York Times:

The result was “Harry Potter and the Showdown,” a 250,000-word novel, the final version of which he placed recently on Web sites, followed by a notice saying he was looking for publishers. The book quickly logged 150,000 readers on a popular Chinese site, Baidu.com’s Harry Potter fan Web page.

“This is fantastic,” Gu Guaiguai, an admiring reader, wrote online about “Showdown.” “I wonder if Rowling would bother to continue to write if she had read it.”

Another reader was even more breathless. “You are the pride of our Harry Potter fans,” he wrote, adding, “We expect you to go on and write Harry Potter number eight,” which Mr. Li has in fact already begun.

[Disclaimer: I have not read any of the HP books; I think they're a scam by Hewlett-Packard to sell more non-working Ease-E Break printers. I have seen the movies and enjoyed watching scary demon-things continually punk British kids. I am, however, deeply entrenched in Harry Potter number nine, tentatively entitled "Harry Potter and the Crazy Bamboo Warriors," or perhaps "My Dinner With Harry Potter... and Andre... and Crazy Bamboo Warriors." It's complicated.]