Coffee and Celery

Are aphrodisiacs, according to Penthouse.

I'm a fan of celery, and I drink enough coffee each morning (and afternoon and evening and sometimes night) to chemically lobotomize a healthy water bison.

So I was real happy about this finding until I read that, "Men who drink a cup a day are twice as likely to describe themselves as sexually active." Meaning the surveyed men only think they're sack-tigers (that phrase doesn't work when inverted, does it?). They could be lying, exaggerating, or drinking decaff.

Perhaps the effects of celery and coffee at the same time should be tested... Or [roommate's name omitted] should stop buying Penthouse.

The photography's terrible, and the wooden articles about "guy stuff" feel as if they were written by either small boys fantasizing about "real manly adult life" and all the "cars" and "hot chicks" and "coffee" they'd eventually encounter...

or by very intelligent rhesus monkeys, perhaps the subjects of advanced cognitive research, deep in the heart of New "Old" Jersesy... In which case... I don't mean to be a dick, but everyone knows chocolate's an aphrodisiac, Siwwa. And give Jetal her damn ornamental mirror back or we'll have to tranq you with the Mystery Juice again!

And no one likes the Mystery Juice...