Thanks for the $, Unicef, but I already have nickels. Lots of them. Also, I'm not starving. Nor am I from a 3rd world country.

Yesterday I received some mail I'm sure we've all had before. A call to donate money and save a starvin marvin, complete with a free gift just for opening the envelope of address labels. I always felt a little guilty when I used those address labels to sticker my father's face during his naptime, knowing that the money used to make those stickers should have gone to the needy children, but that wasn't enough for Unicef. They had to push my self loathing a step further. Yesterday, along with the address labels, came a nickel. A REAL NICKEL. They sent me actual money. With a little note that said, "As a sign of your support, please return this nickel with your contribution -- it might be enough to save a child's life!"

So now if I don't donate, not only am I an asshole, I'm also a theif. Stealing the real actual money straight from their emaciated little fingers. I wonder how many nickels they sent out to people who didn't even bother to open the envelope. If this nickel could save a child's life, why the hell are they sending it to me? I suddenly have this weird feeling that my minimum of a $25 donation would just end up broken down into tiny incriments which would end up in the trashcans of families who already have many many nickels and no starving children.

Poor form, Unicef. Poor form.