Prevent The Flu...
...if you don't have health insurance to cover the vaccine (or if you just don't feel like getting it).
I have had the flu in the worst way. I had a fever for four days straight and was bedridden for 7 days. I am now a weak and shrivelled specimen of the woman I once was. I really don't want anyone else to get the flu because it really blows and you have to miss a bunch of work (although you also get to miss a few of those unwanted pounds...bonus!)
Please enjoy the list of Don't Get the Flu Tips I've complied for your enojyment and education
DON'T GET THE FLU TIPS
1. Push Your Fingernails into the soap. Obviously keep washing your hands everytime it crosses your mind, but during flu season, the only way to really wash them is to get in there under the fingernails, where you carry a lot of germs. It's a germy den of love, if you will. Plus, it's fun to violently disfigure the soap.
2. Kind of Like the Atkin's Diet. Eat locally grown meats, poultry, dairy, fruits and vegetables raised organically and chemical-free. Avoid starches and added sugars. This will give you super-human immunity that will protect you against the flu (and vampires!)
3. Cod Liver Oil is Made from Cod Livers. Cod Liver Oil sounds gross and I've never tried it, but if you're so inclined, it has tons of Vitamin A, which is something the flu attacks like a ninja: swiftly and mercilessly. Coconut Oil (minimally Processed) is also good, and can destroy lipid-coated viruses such as the flu. Plus, it's not made from Cod Livers!
4. The Dirty Face Bath. Dip your big old dirty face in a solution of water, sea salt and dilute iodine. Your face is filthy and it also has a lot of holes. You don't want your dirty face germs getting in your nose, mouth and ears, do you?
5.Drink a Lot of Water and Emergen-C. Doy.
6. Try To Sleep A Lot. This is the best excuse to be really really lazy. You're keeping yourself healthy by sleeping in. Not that you need an excuse, do you? Do you, little guy? Although, and you're not going to like this, it appears that sleep cycles started before midnight are far more effective than those started after midnight-- regardless of the number of hours slept. So, you know, sleeping well after 3pm after staying up until 4am probably isn't going to do you all that much good.
7. Eat 2 Cloves of Raw Garlic a Day. This is also good advice for trying to pick up chicks.
8. Be a "Fun Guy"...heh heh...heh. Eat Mushrooms...a lot of mushrooms. Best types for protection against bacteria and viruses are shiitake, oyster, enoki, or maitake mushrooms.
So if you just follow a few of these tips, you could very well avoid the flu. Or follow none of these tips and avoid the flu because you're one of those lucky bastards that never gets sick. If you do get the flu, I recommend renting a few seasons of a television series, because you're not going to be doing much else. Also, stock up on bananas, it was about the only thing I could stand to eat.
This has been a paid announcement from your mom
I used to be a fun guy, until some asshole plumber stomped on my head.
wow, it feels like years ince I have read anything from "Michelle" and let me tell you, I was DELIGHTED to have her back and writing again. She truly should have her own spin off blog called "That's Michelle!" It could be big, like Sex and the City or TaxiCab Confessions.