Official Conert Rules and Regulations have finally been published!
Last night at the Final Fantasy show at Tonic, Dylan and I were attacked by a chubby frizzy-haired drama major and her boyfriend as they blatently ignored the unspoken but obvious set of rules that exist at small New York shows. Here is a simple set of guidelines that she could have benefitted from before attending this concert:
Concert Rules and Regulations:
1. If a crowd is tightly packed in, do not tap someone who is standing up front on the shoulder, and then shove yourself in front of her as she turns around to see who's tapping her.
2. If you are up front (I'm talking leaning on the stage, here) and you leave to get another beer, do not act pissy when people are reluctant to give you your "spot" back. You can't save spots at a show. You want to stand up front, you have to just stay there.
3. If you think someone is standing too close to you, DO NOT circle your beer bottle around your head. Shows are crowded, people pack in. Someone will most likely be standing close to you. And if you can't help but be so obnoxious that you must break this rule, do not, under any circumstances, do it again (I'm looking at you, frizzy-hair) unless you are attempting to solidify the hate beaming toward you from the person standing behind you. Once is bad, but twice, you're just begging for a knuckle-sandwich.
4. Again, if you are in the front, do not talk loudly about how drunk you are and how you have to pee and how you can do simple fractions if the band is one man playing accoustic guitar. It's really fucking rude to him and to the audience. Do you think he can't hear you? These are small venues, and he's only 3 feet away from you. (Frizzy-hair, are you taking notes?)
5. If you've left your front row spot three times (three times!) and have pushed these two people out of your way three times (three times!) to get back to your "spot" (please see Concert Rules and Regulations, item 2 for more on your "spot"), do not resort to petty name calling when they finally stand their ground (you are not in high school anymore (although you might be a drama major at Sarah Lawrence)). Instead, take a look at your not-ironic dork boyfriend, who most certainly is also a drama major (there's just no other way to explain it), and ask him why he's gyrating and thrashing to music that is inappropriate to gyrate and thrash to, ask him why he's taking up the space of 5 people for said gyrations, and ask why he won't scoot over so you can see the show. Do not vent your anger and having frizzy hair and a loser boyfriend out on perfect strangers.
If we can all follow these simple rules, which really shouldn't have had to be written out for you, then perhaps we can all just enjoy the show. We're all hot an tired from standing, but we've all decided, as one, that it's worth it, and for once in this city, we are a community of people united. If you insist on creating a war zone-esque atmosphere, then everyone will thank you to stick to bigger venue concerts, where you'll have you're very own seat and no one else can sit in it. Bitch.
Right on!