That's Plenty

Every time I get one of these asinine e-mails from people who have better things to do with my time, I always. ALWAYS. Send back a link to a Snopes article about how what they've just sent me is not true, could not POSSIBLY be true, and has been sent around by people who are bored and like wasting their friend's time since the glory days of telnet.

Please. PLEASE stop sending forwards. And if you get one? Even if you think it's hilarious? Let it die with you. If you can't do it for me, do it for you. Because it makes you look like a fucking idiot. And if I sound mean and hateful about the whole thing, it's mostly because I know how much better I am than you because you keep sending me e-mail forwards.

There is a little invisible bar graph that God keeps in his back room with the porno mags in the locked bottom drawer. It is the longest bar graph you will never see and on it is every person alive today. Each time you send someone a forward, your bar goes down a little bit. I know how much better I am than you because I've seen it. God knows that I hate forwards as much as he does, so he gave me the link to the dynamically updated web version of the bar graph. I won't share the link here, and besides, your OS doesn't recognize some of the characters in God's domain name. But trust me. When he's not drowning, crushing, or demoralizing the poor, (Katrina was great for him- he got such a major boost in prayer he had to hire two temps just to hang up on all the calls to heaven.) he's checking to see who just sent the latest iteration of "COUNT TO TEN AND SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM THEN MAKE A WISH!!!111!!11" e-mails, so he can lower their score appropriately.

But seriously? Every piece of garbage you toss in to my inbox doesn't just waste my time and make me sad for the future of humanity, it lowers your personal worth as a human being. Send along a forward, and your stock is lowered. God is keeping tally.

And again, I would like to thank all the contributors to this blog for continuing to post interesting, fun, fascinating, worthwhile content. Because earlier tonight I had a harrowing experience on myspace. I was reviewing the bullitens looking to see if anyone had a baby or was throwing a party or whatever, and of course it's just the usual crap, plus this:

"this is great. you must check out this website..."

I will not post the link here. I will not say who posted the bulliten, but they are no longer my myspace friend. I have plenty, and have no need for the kind who will post shit like that. Here's the thing. She posted no information about he website or what it was about. And the contents of the link were so inane, so pedestrian, that I was enraged enough to write this hyperbolic belligerent piece of shit of a post.

On second thought, the next time you get a little ditty in your mailbox that you think is charming or uplifting or amazing or funny, especially one that ends with the line "... and love like you've never been hurt.", especially if that line is credited to the Dalai Lama or Kurt Vonnegut, forward it to me. I've already got too many friends for me to reasonably keep up with, and you'd be doing me a favor to scratch yourself off the list of people I deem worth talking to.

Thank you for listening.

- Stephen